"Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you're blown apart. Everybody feels the wind blow."

-Paul Simon, "Graceland"


thank you andrew camp for the beautiful lyric.


in other notes, 2 days till spring break. 2 days till spring break. 2 days till spring break. thank goodness! and the weather is supposed to be lovely so I am excited. my break will most likely be boring, but i will make the most of it. maybe "spring clean" my room? it needs it. 
also, my car had been shaking really bad "for days" (I say that because really it was for about a month now, but i don't wanna admit it :) i finally decided to be a big girl and go have my uncle look at it. goooood thing i did because one of my front tires looked like all the rubber had come off in places. the steel belt (which i didn't even know existed in a tire, proving my idiocy when it comes to anything with cars) was coming through the rubber and the steel was actually splitting! my awesome uncle was able to take me to a used tire place where I was able to get a new "used" one for only $30. excellent.
next time, i will not be so nieve about my car. whew!


i am obsessed with etsy.com btw. i just ordered this :) :) i've been wanting a locket forever.

one week (seven days)

i think today it has hit me hard that it has been one week. one week of pain. one week of loneliness. one week of  exhaustion really. and to think that, it might not get better for awhile? that wears me out even more... 

spent the evening with jennifer and michele. it was nice to be with the girls, shop around and laugh at bdubs. sadly, purdue lost :( but there is next year! robbie hummel has to be better by then! boilers put up a good fight against duke though. i was proud. today i went to jacquelyn's bridal shower. it was really really nice and she got some great stuff. Jen and I went together for her gift and I think we did a pretty damn good job :) it coordinated and was totally her :) the food was great and it was good to see lauren and jacquelyn again. i miss those girls! i miss my apartment where we all lived together (or lauren could come over) and just relax. i wish we all lived in the same town. booo to growing up.

i think tonight i am going to just lay in my bed and read. I am currently reading the book Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven. It is a memoir about two young women my age who decide to take a year of their lives to travel the world together. I really like it! I wasn't sure since I had never read a memoir before but I am enjoying it thoroughly. I can't wait to read it tonight.

in response to beeeeeing yourself

 My friend Sarah Ann Noel wrote the best blog about contentment, acceptance and beeeeing yourself! I loved what she had to say, and in response I wrote to her...


"Hi, I'm Jami. I am a funny girl who wants nothing more in life than to just love it. I am in love with China, laugh at kids when they are bad, and am not-so-secretly a nerd."
and let me add to this (which I didn't include in her post) "I enjoy not matching, but I also envy fashionable people. My room is always a mess. I pretend to give a damn. I don't. I enjoy a good margarita, but give me a beer with the guys and I am equally happy. I don't enjoy wearing makeup and in a perfect world I think everyone would be bald and walk around barefoot (I hate doing my hair and wearing shoes, especially socks). I love depressing music that makes me feel sorry for myself and I sing loud in the car. I think my most valuable feature is my sense of humor. I don't like my round face, but I am learning to love it. Love me really."


Thats who I am! I just took a few minutes to eat dinner in the middle of this post and I was thinking to myself, the other day when this other teacher at work said "I hate blogs. I hate people who have blogs about their lives and not one with a purpose" I retorted with, "Well, I have a blog. But, its about my journey getting accepted to teach in China, thats it" No. No, thats not it! Why was I nervous to say "Yeah, about China and my life! Just my everyday life" There is where I realize I am afraid to be myself sometimes. I am too nervous about what other people think. If I wanna write a blog that talks about what I did today, or what's on my mind, I CAN! I can blog about how upset I am about my breakup, about which shoes I should buy, about nerdy geocaching adventures or just pictures of my friends! I am so glad that Sarah wrote that. She really knew how to put it. Thanks, Sarah! :)


Its been 2 weeks since I have heard 2-4 weeks until an acceptance notification with CIEE. Obviously I am counting.
In other news (haha) I miss Dan. I am not afraid to say it. I am not afraid to let people how vulnerable and crushed I am by all this. I worked all 3 of my jobs yesterday to keep busy, I am about to go to Target now and walk around so I don't have to sit here and think about it. Or maybe I will go to the library. I can't get him  out of my mind.


Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
in the shatter of us collapsed.
It cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.

Everybody says time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out? - imogen heap "wait it out"




Obviously I am going through something here. haha (pre-quarter life crisis?)

drama

pardon the drama on my last post. sometimes, you do what you gotta do to let it all out. these last few days have been horrrriibbblllleee! not to mention work today was equally as bad. being disrespected is my pet peeve in the professional world. heck, even in everyday life! but in a professional setting, i get even more angry. well today, i was disrespected (obvi). i was told to move out of my building with all my co-workers and basically have my desk in a closet. yes, a closet. and i am not exaggerating. i didn't do anything, don't think that. i just got randomly chosen to out of my department. maybe since i am the newest? ugghhh i would go more into detail but not being at my school... you wouldn't understand. this week is going just GREAT isn't it?

trying to smile... trying to smile...

anyways. in order to not feel as though the world is falling apart around me, both in my job and personal life, i have been immersing myself in Chinese research and news. Did anyone know that there is a major sandstorm hitting China right now? The sky is literally yellow because of the sand and dust in the air. Wonder if this will happen when I go over there?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35959965/

Also, there was a boy in China who has 31 fingers and toes? Don't believe it? Well, believe it.

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/photo/2010-03/23/content_9628500.htm

I was all geared up this morning to come home and clean my room.... i keep getting in these moods where really, i don't wanna do anything. :(
again, excuse the drama.

blank

my chest is continually fluttering. my world has turned upside down.i feel panicked. my thoughts of the future now are blank. my memories only bring me to tears. i can't listen to music. every song is a memory... every song... everything i thought i knew is now looking at in a different light.

 i've lost my best friend.

i do have hopes though. i hope for a new start. new strengths. new discoveries. amidst all this confusion.
i will be okay. not now. not for awhile.but, one day.

geocaching

Please tell me I am not the only one who hasn't heard of this? For all you that know me, I can be a quite a nerd at times, and I am proud! :) For the last few days I  have had a student who'd been talking all about finding a geocache, or as he spells it gokash :) It all started when I asked him to use the word "log" in a sentence. Being in first grade, I imagined he'd use it as a noun, like "The log is big" or something like that. He comes up with "I log my geocache". I say.... "A geocache? What???" He continues to ramble on talking about it and I don't get it, at all! I make him prove to me he knows what "log" means as a verb. Honestly, I thought the kid was making this all up! He goes on to say that to log something is to record it, or write it down. Okay, the kid knows something. So, I forget about it go on with my day. Today, he brings it up again! I had reminded him the day before to tell me about it later, and, of course, he doesn't forget. I let him talk about it. He keeps saying that he put numbers into a GPS, his grandpa always logs their attempts, he found a geocache that was a small pink car, and still... im so lost! I end up telling the ladies at work about it and Wendy knows everything about it! Her family actually goes geocaching! A geocache is found in a small container. Each container usually has many items in it where you take one and then replace it. You then write down in the log book you where there.  I can't even begin to explain how enthralled I am at this whole process. She even had a thing called a "travel bug" where the point is to get an item all around the world, beginning in one and place and ending back where it started, through geocaching! Of course, I am totally into this. Listening to her every world like it's gold I am going to find! :) I go to www.geocaching.com and learn all about it on my break! To learn the basic meaning of finding a geocache visit en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geocache. Its basically a treasure hunt, for real!!! haha

Even better, I am going to make Dan go find a geocache with me tonight at the old Applewood Theater and then maybe one I found thats at the casino!! haha
I CANT WAIT to tell Dylan about how i "logged my geocache" :)

did i mention how big of a nerd i am? becoming jami means realizing i am a nerd. a nerd who writes long posts explaining how i will use a gps to find "treasures". :)

daylight savings didn't save me a thing

i am so very tired. this whole daylight savings thing really has thrown me out of wack for some reason. i dont think i appreciate it very much. its only tuesday and i am very ready for the weekend again. i am also ready for spring break. sadly (and i dont know WHAT i was thinking) i offered to work during spring break at old navy. i will still have the weekends, and i am sure that i will still be able to sleep in, heck, im sure they won't even work me everyday, but still i kinda wish i wouldn't have. i need the money though. that speeding ticket, my raise in car insurance and trip to China (hopefully) won't pay itself! I should be finding out in 2-4 weeks (or as so told by some lady with CIEE, haha) if i am accepted or not. last night when i was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, my heart got really jumpy and nervous about going to China. i thought about being gone from my family for 4 1/2 months... can i do it?

guess what?

literally 2 seconds after I posted that blog i checked my email and... the lady emailed me back!!! somehow there had been a glitch in "My CIEE" like my account, and the items that I had put as completed (aka my 0 in the to do box) had not been transferred over in their system. It still showed that I needed those three things sent in. This whoooooolllleeee time.... a glitch! are you serious? she said she has received everything they need to made an application decision. she fixed everything and moved IT ALL into completed. i asked her how long she thought it would be until an application decision would be made, but now i will wait for a reply. ok, she signed the email "we are looking forward to working with you!" am i reading into that? possibly, but... i'll take it! :) :) all smiles. YYEESS! i hope my next blog is titled... china bound!! 

one. step. closer.

to. my. dream.

call me impatient

another week down... another week where i havent heard one thing on my application. the coordinator of the program i am applying for is out of office once again and won't be back until the 18th. i decided to email someone else to get my question answered. hopefully i will hear back from her by monday. the website says to allow 1-2 weeks for items to be processed. i still have 3 pending application items that have been this way for almost 4 weeks now!! i just want to know!! (obviously :) if this doesn't work out for me, i need to be figuring out what i am going to do with my life come August. apply for another teaching job? stay where i am? move into an apartment? apply with another teach abroad organization? not a lot of places that offer the opportunity to teach in China offer month long stints, only a year. i don't want to do a year so... come on CIEE! you are the perfect fit for me! just tell me yes. please? i check the website that has my application checklist posted at least three times a day. i am sick of seeing...

0 - to do :)
3 - PENDING!!!
7 - completed :)

no application decision....
participant decision would totally say yes if they would tell me.

Teaching in China is my passion. I want to go to this country and inspire these children to learn English while doing it in fun and creative ways. For some reason, I feel a very strong calling to go there. I want to experience their culture and not let anything pass me by. I really do want to make a difference. I also want to prove to myself that I can do this. I am brave. I am stronger than I think I am. Im tired of letting life pass me by. Not taking opportunities because I am lazy or just think I can't. I have faith in myself that I can. I can!
Obviously, I need to work on being patient. I have all the patience in the world with children. Now, if I could just transfer that to every other thing in my life... :)

Out tonight to see Super Foxx! haha Caryn and Grant's band. Also going to indulge in a little retail therapy before. Maybe I shouldn't since I do need to pay for a speeding ticket... but... I need to embellish my spring wardrobe... right?

snapshots.

st, joseph michigan.
3 best friends.
love.

see the link below to look at all the pictures and the captions will tell the story.

facebook album

long story short. drove there, got pulled over, got a ticket, enjoyed the beach, fell on my butt, got soaked, locked my keys in the car, had dinner, learned alot about my friends, had an amazing time!!! :)

 

 

   

    

i take it back

the book Material World is not on its way. silly company i ordered it from ran out of it i guess. dan says its a good thing because apparently ordering a paperback copy was a bad choice. how was i supposed to know! guess the hard copy will have to wait because i am sad to pay extra. maybe i am cheap?
st. joseph day trip pictures to follow soon. :)

material world

I just purchased the book Material World: A Global Family Portrait by Peter Menzel and I cannot wait for it to get here! I heard about this book awhile back and somehow it always gets lost from my memory. At random times the title pops back in my head and I go to amazon.com and just stare at the Add to Cart button. I finally bought, brand new i might add, and i know its going to be great. This photojournalist, Peter Menzel, brings together a visual portrait of 30 different nations by showcasing their possessions all in one place, their homes. The photographers that helped him each spent one week living with a "statiscally average" family in each country. They learn about their work, their attitudes toward their possessions and their hopes for the future. Then, they take a picture of the family outside their home surrounded by all (many or few) of their material goods. I think a person's material possessions show so much about a person. When I look at my possessions, what do they say about me? What do I really have to show for just by looking at them? It's a hard question to ask and to think about. What could I be doing with my money that could possibly benefit someone other than myself? I am interested in learning and seeing what this book has to offer.

I also purchased the book River Town: Two Years on the Yangtze by Peter Hessler. (Woah, these authors have almost the same name). This book is about a man who joins the Peace Corps for two years and teaches in a small Chinese city. I wanted to purchase the book Oracle Bones too by the same author but I decided to wait. Maybe I should check out my local library instead of spending my money on books. There is something about owning a book though that makes me feel good. My desk is overflowing with books right now. I love it, but would also like a bookshelf. I am considering purchasing a bookshelf and getting rid of my desk. Now that I am graduated, I never use it. Hmmm....

teaching

WHAT TEACHERS MAKE

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.

He argued, What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher? He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers:

& Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. To stress his point he said to another guest, You're a teacher, Susan. Be honest. What do you make?

Susan, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor. I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence. You want to know what I make? I make kids wonder. I make them question. I make them criticize. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them show all their work in math and perfect their final drafts in English. I make them understand that, if you have the brains and follow your heart, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you must pay no attention because they just didn't learn.

Susan paused and then continued. You want to know what I make? I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make?


:) this makes me smile everytime

romance and patience and... toms?

i think my students get funnier and funnier everyday. i laugh so hard at work. i know i have the best job there is. well, working with kids that is. im not saying where i work now is my dream job, but the field of work i am in is the best. as we talked about different genres of writing, we asked the first graders what they thought the word romance means. here are the answers: puke (best one! and he made a gross face) and boys and girls kissing and dating. the room was filled with funny faces and the quote "gross" repeated over and over. i love a child's take on romance. oh to be little again and boys be gross and wanna puke when you think about it. :)

today i folded and emailed the man in charge of my application, just to "check on some materials". more like my patience is gone and i NEED to know whats going on with my application! just to give me peace of mind too! i get an email saying he is out of office, IN CHINA! the february teachers are starting their journey this week and he wont be back till march 8th, or he is with limited internet access due to how busy he will be. so... looks like another week of wondering... i need to learn patience.




 i wanna get a pair of TOMS shoes. which ones do you think i should get?
i really like just the grey ones, but maybe i should pick a bolder choice?