becoming jami

"The only thing more unthinkable than 

leaving was staying; the only thing 

more impossible than staying was leaving." 

 - eat. pray. love. elizabeth gilbert

as my blog is titled, i have really learned what it is like to "become jami" this week. this week has been super trying on me mentally and emotionally. between my students, teachers, and boss stressing me out at school, to some things going on in my personal life, i have really been tested.
what. am. i. doing. here?

i know exactly why i am here: to become who i am supposed to be. to realize that i have more courage and faith in myself than i ever though i had. in order to do this, i had to do some letting go. i honestly don't think i have ever let go of one thing in my entire life. ok, backtrack, i have never let go of someone before. yes, this is getting personal, and no this isnt about my wonderful, oh so exciting china adventure, but this blog is also about growing up. learning.  i had to do one of the hardest things by letting him go. how was i supposed to be "me"? how was i supposed to live my life in waiting? it wasn't fair.
i am happy living here. i am BEYOND happy living here. am i happy about what (who) i have lost? no, not at all. i am scared. i am broken.

but this is only one section of my life that i feel this way. at least i am somewhere that helps ease the pain. that i can wake up in the morning and only be reminded of this pain until i reach the doors of Wunan Kindergarten and be hugged by April and Mark, or blabbered to in Chinese by Terry, snuggled by JiaJia, laughing with Rich, smiling with Xixi, playing trucks with Brandon and heck... even yelling at Eleven and Bobo. they are who keep me sane. once i walk back into my apartment, i realize my loss. i occupy my time by exploring my neighborhood with Mac: us gagging in front of the market, almost being hit by taxis, screaming with excitement at a Kraft Mac & Cheese box (which we bought) and struggling to buy fruit at the market (which is CRAZY cheap by the way, be jealous).
i will make it through this, because look where i am. what i am doing. i am following my dreams. i will be the happiest girl in the world...


one day :) and right now, i am pretty damn close.